Finding The Real Thing

The Zen Practice of Love

“Most of our live our lives we play with toys. When we grow up

we want the real thing.”

Uchiyama Roshi

WHERE IS REAL LOVE HIDING?

There are so many toys we all live with and feel we could not do without. Sadly enough, our relationships often become one of the biggest toys we have. Many of us enter relationships looking for fun, happiness, pleasure, excitement. When feelings are strong, we even feel as though we are in love. However, when reality sets in, when, our needs and expectations are not met, the so-called love we are feeling often turns into resentment or pain. And the feelings change or vanish on the spot.

Where Did The Love Go?

At that time many say, “I love him, but I’m not in love.” Confused, they wonder, “Where did the love go?” They do not realize real love cannot go anywhere. It is only fantasy and delusions that arise and slip away. And, as all feelings change, our excitement and infatuation must necessarily fade as well. That sense of emptiness we are left with then is due to Counterfeit Love.

What Is Counterfeit Love?

Counterfeit love is the idea that love is an emotion, excitement, infatuation, sense of possession or strong feeling of attachment. Counterfeit love is confusion between excitement, dependency, attachment, and love. In counterfeit love if we feel strongly towards someone, we immediately assume that we are in love. And that we can’t live without that person. We become attached to passing feelings, rather than rooted in the real thing. Feeling momentarily happy, or connected is pleasant, but not necessarily love.

It is the nature of all feelings to change, and that is also the nature of counterfeit love. Of course in the beginning, fantasies are delightful, however, once they pass and reality appears, depression often sets in.

When this pattern repeats too many times, some become unable to enter a relationship again. They don’t believe that love can last. They withdraw in order to protect themselves from the hurt and disappointment they say love brings.

But real love never hurts. It is only counterfeit love that brings anguish. As we do zazen, we learn the difference between what is real and what are passing fancies. Finally, we become in touch with the real thing.

Love Is Not A Feeling

“A feeling that is strong one moment and gone the next, cannot be called love.”

Kabir

Real love does not fluctuate. It is not based upon passing emotion. In real love there is no rejection of another person if they do not meet our needs. We are not using another to make us happy. Real love is not always asking what’s in it for me? When the excitement leaves a relationship real love does not ask where has the love gone?

Real love is always present, can never be gone. It does not depend on outside circumstances but is the rock upon which we live and stand. As we practice Zen, this real love has a chance to surface and make itself known. We call it Buddha Nature, the very nature of who we are.

In Love With Our Fantasies

Still, as we live in the grip of delusion, it is easy to fall in love with a fantasy about a person, rather than the truth of who they are. I must be special, we think, if someone like that can care about me. It’s easy to be in love with a fantasy, easy to be happy when the person seems to be the one of your dreams.

Then when the truth surfaces, many run away from the relationship or lapse into blame. They blame their disappointment on the other person, resent him or her for causing them pain. They do not see that it was not the other person who caused them pain, but their own fantasies. They do not see that what they were experiencing was just being caught in a dream.

When you know the full truth about someone, (even if it is not to your liking) and still care for them, then you’re on the road to love. (This does not mean to stay in a negative relationship, but to still allow the person to be who they are.)

Doing Love

Real love is built upon deeds. From the Zen perspective we do not feel love, we do love. We make choices and take actions that serve, honor and uplift the other. We do not use that person for our selfish ends. When we do love, we are loving. Loving others, we are loved. This kind of love does not falter or pass with every changing day.

Real And False Needs

As we practice real love that which is imaginary dissolves all by itself. That which is real grows stronger. We begin to know what it is we need to be nourished and how to nourish others as well. The longer we practice, the more we realize that the deepest need all of us have is to be true to who we are. Nothing less satisfies.

The Zen Practice of Love teaches the art of knowing and loving all parts of a person, including ourselves. The actions that spring from this state of being, are naturally loving, strong and healing. In this way we build a foundation for love that cannot be shattered, no matter what takes place. When we are ready to wake up from fantasies and make friends with both ourselves and others we finally find the real thing, and discover love and joy everywhere.

“Love is wanting for the other what they want for themselves,

Even if you aren’t the one able to give it to them.”

Virginia Lloyd

WORKSHOP, THE SECRET PRACTICE OF LOVE, ZOOM

Come join us for our online Zoom workshop on Sunday, January 23, 1–2:30 EST on Zen and Relationships, The Secret Practice of Love, www.simplelawsoflove.com

Brenda Shoshanna is a psychologist, author, speaker and long time Zen practitioner who has offered many talks and workshops and written many books on Zen Practice and how to live it in your everyday life. zenbybrenda.substack.com